Eclipsed

I will be the first to admit that I don't blog about my faith much. I can't really say why that is. In past blogs, it was a frequent topic. Many of my friend's blogs are loaded with what God is teaching them. For some people the words just seem to spill out, but in past few years my spill has slowed to trickle.

And, again, I can't say why that is. I suspect it has something to do with the feeling of absolute certainty I had about my faith when I entered college. Of course the words could spill out; I knew the right words. It was a feeling that all but faded midway through second year of school. For the past four years, I've been in a strange season ( strange for me anyway), of my faith feeling so deeply personal and private that any outward expression of it felt trite and fake.

It has been a deeply painful season.

But one that I think has been so necessary. I have been forced to reexamine what genuine expressions of faith are. I, who was never at a loss for words, was forced to be quiet. Oh, it hurt. Oh, it was so good.

Tonight, home alone, I was saw a link that friend posted to a David Crowder You-Tube video "How he loves us" . At least 25% of worship songs make me gag. (Really? History Maker? Have we realized that the song is all about me, me, me.) However, I usually enjoy David Crowder's way of creating imagery, so I watched.

Somewhere through my third listen, I felt my throat tighten. I felt my eyes well. It has been years. "When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory."

Here it is, my blog about my faith: I am wayward Israel. I am the woman caught in adultery. I building the golden calf. I have innocent blood on my hands. I am Peter, too scared to get out of the boat. I am holding back the best of my sacrifice. I am scorning the word of the prophet.

I am longing beyond words for my humanity to be swallowed whole. I am waiting for the day when I will be eclipsed by glory.